Graceful Parenting in Austin

If “The Baby Book: Everything You Need to Know About Your Baby from Birth to Age Two (Revised and Updated Edition)” (William Sears, Martha Sears, Robert Sears, James Sears) were a guy and I was single and we met in a bar, I would have thought we would get along. We are the same age, more or less, and have some of the same friends. But when we start talking about specifics, I started to get angry and I want to set down my drink, get up off the bar stool and punch him.

Main Ideas
William and Martha Sears believe that the best way to build a secure attachment with your baby, which is the basis for healthy relationships as an adult, is to be in close proximity with your baby as much as possible. There are five main tools for attachment parenting:

• Connect With your baby early by breast feed your baby as soon as possible after birth and room-in with your baby at the hospital.
• Read and respond to your baby’s cues for eating and sleeping and respond quickly to your baby’s cries.
• Breast feed you baby.
• Wear your baby as much as possible instead of relying on strollers and play pens.
• Share sleep with your baby.

We are driving and Blue Eyes is asking me why I’m getting in such a wad about writing this review. I’ve spent hours and hours on the Internet, looking into the research, trying to prove that Dr. Sears is wrong. But I don’t write those kind of reviews, I’m not a journalist, I only try to give a feel for the book, so why am I working so hard and why do I want to punch him?

Really??
Well, I explain to Blue Eyes, for one thing, this book SOOOO reminds me of a Seth and Amy “Really?” skit on Saturday Night Live. If I pick just the first chapter, I find myself saying “Really?” just about every other paragraph. Like when he says Attachment Parenting is just common sense that parents would come up with on their own, then on the next page, he asks the reader to keep an open mind because his ideas may sound strange and different. Or when he says EVERY other parenting book doesn’t respect the fact that babies are different and have different needs, before moving on to present the one approach he thinks is best for all babies. Or, when he says that he doesn’t understand why co-sleeping is controversial, even though co-sleeping has been associated with babies dying of SIDS. I imagine he disagrees with this research, but REALLY?, he doesn’t understand why parents might be concerned?

Blue Eyes says that isn’t it though. When Seth and Amy do Really? it is just funny, it doesn’t make me want to punch anyone.

Weird Science
I think about it some more and then I think I have it. I love science and I believe science provides a real and necessary order to our lives and with Dr. Sears science is more like a free-for-all love fest. When casually reading along, it seems like Dr. Sears’ ideas are all supported by research, but when I look a little closer, I think he must be on acid.

Like when he says that he believes babies belong in the parent’s bed at night because babies and mothers sleep better. The only research I can find in the book is Dr. Sears’ experience with his own kids and a survey of his own patients, which doesn’t seem very scientific. He also refers to a child care book written in 1840 named Management of Infancy which says there is no doubt that when a baby sleeps with his mother in the winter, the baby will thrive better. Well, I’m no scientist, but I think that might be because homes weren’t heated in 1840.

So, I go to Dr. Sears’ web site and someone has asked this same question, “show me the research” and Dr. Sears refers the person to the Attachment Parenting International web site. Research isn’t on the menu on this site, I have to do some searching, and of all five of the attachment parenting guidelines, I can find research about only one of them. It happens to be co-sleeping, so I’m eager to see what it says about mothers and babies sleeping better. The article explains that because of the proximity of the mother, babies do not have to fully wake and cry to get a response. As a result, mothers can tend to the infant before either of them are fully awake (McKenna). As a result, mothers were more likely to have positive evaluations of their nighttime experiences (McKenna, 1994) because they tended to sleep better and wake less fully (McKenna & Mosko, 1997).

It seems that the studies are about babies who are feeding during the night. What about babies who are a little older and don’t feed so much during the night? According to the Mayo Clinic, by age three months, many babies sleep up to five hours during the night by age 6 months, nighttime stretches of 9 to 12 hours are possible. And, as long as we are doing surveys of people we know for research, the most well-rested Moms I know are those with babies that sleep through the night and the Moms with babies who sleep through the night aren’t the ones who co-sleep.

What gets me upset isn’t so much our difference of opinion about co-sleeping, it is that the language and tone of the book feels scientific, but when I drill down to the details, the science isn’t there. I don’t believe there is scientific evidence that these five attachment tools are required to develop a secure attachment to your baby or that babies raised by parents using the five attachment tools are significantly healthier or happier as adults. But these are implied throughout the book.

Well, back in the car with Blue Eyes, I feel I have made a very strong case. But, he isn’t buying it. He says that practicing science poorly is a shame, for sure, but that isn’t why I want to punch Dr. Sears. I don’t often want to punch people, this must be about something more.

Blue Eyes challenges me sometimes. At first, I think, because of his infuriating questions, but then again, I think maybe because he is asking the right question.

The Real Answer

Dr. Sears makes me afraid. He touches that part of me, deep in my heart, that is so afraid of something happening to my baby. I’m all for a little feat, the fear that keeps the pillows out of the crib and the baby in a car set on family drives, but I am so deeply, personally offended by unnecessary fear for parents. And Dr. Sears works so hard to prove that his five attachment tools are absolutely necessary, that he leaves parents who find another way in fear. The fear that if I don’t breast feed, my baby will be unhealthy and I won’t develop a mother’s intuition. The fear that if I don’t wear my baby, she will develop slowly and not be intelligent. The fear that if I don’t sleep with my baby, my baby won’t trust me to take care of her. All unnecessary fears.

The Final Word

Sears feels like the son in 1968, with lots of love in his heart and the best of intentions, but letting it go too far. I believe in love, but I believe in reason too. My intuition says that I can learn from Sears. It is easy to get busy and practical, getting through your day on auto-pilot and not really, really being present with your baby. That is the one attachment tool that is most important for me, to be present with my baby and show her love. And my second tool is for me to trust myself when finding the balance between showing her love and encouraging her independence.