Graceful Parenting in Austin

I had enough of books about babies written by men who haven’t taken care of a baby full-time, around-the-clock (Sears, Ezzo and Weissbluth). Not that there isn’t a lot that I can learn from experts who have worked with a million babies, but I find that the get authoritative and absolute in a way that a Mom (or Dad) who has really been there doesn’t. So, in my search for another perspective, I found “Mommies Who Drink: Sex, Drugs, and Other Distant Memories of an Ordinary Mom” in which Brett Paesel writes about real-life, ordinary-Mom troubles like how to do cocaine with your girlfriends and still get your toddler to pre-school the next morning…

Well, maybe it is because I live in Texas instead of Hollywood, but I didn’t even know that doing cocaine was an ordinary-Mom thing to do. I guess I’ve been missing out, but that’s all right, it seems like a lot of trouble. And I figured that this was the first story in the book, just there to get my attention and be dramatic. I’m sure the regular, real Mom will show up soon, so I keep reading.

There are funny parts like when Brett remembers being in Junior High School and wanting to be like Dana, who was confident and bold. Brett wrote down the steps for becoming Dana in her journal:
1. Stop caring what people think.
2. Change name to Dana.
3. Carry a brush at all times and brush hair five times a day.
4. Swear sometimes. Not in front of parents. (favorite swear words included here)
5. Find out what “dildo” is. Ask Tom Goldenhirsh.
6. Always act like you know what is going on, even if you don’t.
7. Always carry a purse.
8. Do spontaneous and outrageous things. Not in front of parents. Consider taking off shirt in public or cracking up in church.

I thought this was pretty funny. I can just see this young girl and all of the messy contradictions that adolescence brings.

I like the funny parts, but I’m reading more and it isn’t feeling right. I’m half way through the book now and I don’t know anything about her kid, except his name, which is Spence. I don’t know if Spence is funny or sweet or what he looks like. Not that I need a hundred stories of the cutest thing that he said and I don’t need her whole world to revolve around him. I think it is OK to have a book that really is about the Mom. But poor Spence doesn’t even have a speaking part in this movie, he is more like an extra and that feels strange.

Then there is Lana, one of the women Brett meets with on Fridays for Happy Hour. Lana really wants to buy a house and is mad at her no-good boyfriend for not having a house already or buying her one now. Lana is jealous of people with houses and lusts after houses of new people she meets. I know, for people with limited incomes, buying a house is very difficult and they might dream about all sorts of ways to make it happen, but that didn’t seem to be the case with Lana. She dismisses Brett’s idea of saving for a down payment and instead plans on a no-money-down deal with payments made by a new man she is going to meet on-line.

Uuuuggggghhhhhhh. This makes me want to throw up. I want to teach my daughters that if you want a house, you should get a job and save your money and buy a house. This isn’t just about women’s rights, but men’s rights too. How creepy is this for Lana’s potential new boyfriend to be thought of as a cash machine? Yuck!

The yucky parts started to outweigh the funny parts with the story about the pre-school yearbook. Yes, that is funny in itself, that her son’s preschool has a yearbook. Brett meets with Jerri, the head of the yearbook committee, who has done all of the work so far. Jerri is also kind of funny, because she has made an oddly huge project out of this, while at the same time feels like she hasn’t done enough. Brett finds herself patronizing Jerri, going on and on with insincere compliments. Brett knows that she is saying all of this to make herself feel better for not doing any work, instead of to make Jerri feel better, and cool people like Lana wouldn’t waste their time coddling weak people like Jerri and Brett needs to go drinking with the girlfriends again to feel better about herself.

Uuuuggghhh again. Brett is self-aware and honest enough to know that being patronizing is wrong. But she isn’t smart enough to think of the other option like maybe being sincerely kind to someone who is upset. Maybe to just say something simple like, “Thank you for the work you have done.” I think it is a big part of our culture to feel superior (think American Idol), but can we stop the whole relative ranking and judging process sometimes and just be nice instead? I say this and I know I don’t do it all the time, but I hope I do it more of the time.

The book is entertaining in a way, it’s a glimpse into Hollywood life that is different than my own, but in the end, it lacks a simple kindness and I’m just not that interested in the rest. I didn’t read the second half and I’ll have to keep looking for a great parenting book. I’ll let you know what I find.