Graceful Parenting in Austin

Well, at least everything I wanted on January 1, 2006. As part of a church service, I wrote a note to myself about what I wanted for the year 2007:

to have a child
to find a balance
to write
to love my family

The church mailed our notes to us this January, to be reminded of what we wished for. My first thought was, wow, I have everything I wanted. My second thought was, my note said ‘child,’ singular, as in one child. I knew that I was pregnant with twins then, why did I say ‘child?’ Then I thought that loosing one of my twins was that one thing, most of all, that stopped my endless-persuit-of-achievement-at-great-cost and gives me the balance I feel now. It is also what inspired me to write this blog. And it has helped me to love, appreciate and cherish my family more.

It feels wrong to me when something bad happens and people say it’s all right because it is God’s will or there is a reason when it is a really bad thing that can’t possibly feel good in any way. But I also feel that bad things can be given a power to dominate and rule the future or they can be part of a quilt of many colors and patterns and fabrics that turns into something beautiful because it isn’t perfect and predictable, it is real and human.

I write that and it is nice, but I don’t feel it really yet. It still feels bad and I still struggle with loosing Grace, but this note reminds me to remember what I have and to choose, think and feel the things I have more often than the things I don’t. That is what I want for 2008.

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