Graceful Parenting in Austin

Blue Eyes told me Noel’s talent show was on Friday at 8:30 and I don’t know why I thought it was a night, because 8:30 would be a pretty late start for elementary school kids, but I did, and I was surprised to learn on Thursday that I would need some time away from work on Friday morning.

It was hard to juggle, with a morning conference call and getting Baby Girl to day care, but then it was made twice as hard when Noel called to say she had forgotten the props for her skit at home…

I dropped what I was doing, got Noel’s things, finished up breakfast with Baby Girl, lost my keys, looked for my keys, looked more for my keys…… found my keys, got the props to Noel at school, dropped off Baby Girl at day care and got back home in time for the conference call, which ended right on time because I said I had to get to my daughter’s talent show and where I work that is a good reason to wrap up a meeting.

I meet Blue Eyes there and it was sweet. I love the unwritten but commonly understood etiquette for kid’s performances. I know we live in a competitive, capitalist society with winners and losers, but thank goodness that doesn’t start in elementary school, well, for the most part. There was lots of clapping for every kid, even if they forgot their lines or the skit didn’t really make sense or they had to stop to go to the bathroom and come back to finish later. And if one kid was especially good on the piano, people didn’t go overboard with the clapping, maybe making the other piano players feel like they weren’t as good, they clapped about the same for everyone.

The show was pretty long, several hours, and while I enjoyed all of the kids, well, I might have been getting a little tired and I was ready to see Noel. And I was a little nervous because Noel is pretty independent and she is getting older and I didn’t know what she was doing or if she had practiced or how it might turn out. They finally called her and her friend’s names to go to the back of the stage, it looked like they would be the last act. Blue Eyes had the camera ready to go and I was on the edge of my seat.

Then suddenly, before we knew what happened, the program was over. The audience was standing and each class was starting to file out of the auditorium. I looked over to Noel’s teacher, who seemed like she was thinking what we were thinking, because she was walking fast to the host of the show and they talked, but nothing changed, the kids still filed out.

Blue Eyes and I looked at each other. Maybe Noel changed her mind. Maybe she wasn’t ready or she got nervous. Blue Eyes said calmly, “This is frustrating.” I replied calmly, “Yes, I’m frustrated.” Because it isn’t easy to pull it all together and take off work and get the props up to school and watch fifty-seven other acts and Noel should think about us too.

I saw Noel across the room and asked Blue Eyes if we should go talk to her. He said no, he needed a minute and didn’t want to react emotionally. So we paused and sat and waited. Noel came over to us. We asked what happened. She said they were all setup for their skit and the host decided to end the show. They were told they couldn’t do their skit.

Then we noticed a lot of activity in the back of the auditorium. The kindergardeners who had filed out just a minute ago were now in line for lunch and the tables were being set in place just in time for them to sit down.

So sometimes there is a reason for how things go. The host was trying to get the whole show in, but she didn’t make it and the show ended exactly at 11:30 because you can’t mess with lunch. Not with that many classes of kids getting through the line in five minute increments. I think my job is complicated sometimes, but messing with the lunch schedule in an elementary school would be real chaos.

Noel’s teacher saw us and came over to talk. She had a plan. We had a few minutes to spare before the cafeteria would be full, so she had the 5th graders stay up front, close to the stage, and Noel and her friend did their skit. Thanks, Noel’s teacher. You are brilliant. Thanks, Noel. The skit was really funny and you did a great job.

And thanks to Blue Eyes for the pause. A careful, considerate pause before reacting. When I look back to my least favorite parenting moments, they have one thing in common. I had an emotional reaction and I acted quickly. Even if I was right or justified or whatever, I was also less wise and less compassionate.

I’m going to try to remember this more of the time. The value of a careful, considerate pause. Not giving in, not letting it pass, just waiting for a moment first. Then listening and learning second. Then acting, instead of reacting, third.

I took some pictures at Noel’s elementary school. I can’t believe it has been six years. I remember her first day of school, when Blue Eyes and I were just engaged and Noel’s backpack was at least half her size. It has been a great school and a great six years getting to know Noel. Noel is too big for the slide on the playground now and I can hardly wait to see what happens in the next six years.