Meet My Evil Twin
I like to think of myself as a reasonable person, able to analyze a situation and make a decision. But sometimes I get so stuck that I can’t think anymore, as if my normal reasoning process has been shut down for business and my mind has been taken over by a swirling, chaotic mix of emotions that are real and true, but leave me helpless in the real world that is asking for a decision. When I get this way, I feel like I’m living in a soap opera where my evil twin has taken my place with his evil plot to rule the world. Well, maybe not rule the world, but at least keep me from making a decision…
As The World Turns this week, my evil twin is planning on taking my sweet Baby Girl to an evil new day care. See this post for more. I’m so, so, so stuck on this one. I can’t stop thinking about it and nothing is right. I can’t leave her in the old day care and I can’t bring her to the new day care and something needs to happen on Monday morning, maybe I’ll quit my job.
I’m talking this over with a friend and telling her that when my reasoning mind makes a brief appearance, it seems to be telling me that Baby Girl will be fine in either place, and I cannnnnnnot figure out why my evil twin has decided to take my place. I try to catch my emotions as they are swirling around so I might feel them instead of be bombarded by them and I manage to catch one and explain it to my friend. I told her that it isn’t that Baby Girl is unsafe at the current day care, what I feel more is that if something did happen, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself because I had clues. There were clues that told me she wasn’t as safe as she could be and I couldn’t forgive myself she stayed there and something happened.
My friend asked me, “Does it feel like Grace?” which surprised me and made me quiet then made me cry, which is probably a sign that she might be right. She said she knows that I felt like I had clues that something was wrong when I was pregnant, but I didn’t call the doctor. I felt like if I had been more careful, Grace would still be here. Does the day care decision make me feel the same way?
Yes, it makes me feel the same way. Which is why my evil twin took over. Because my regular self was having such a hard time with it.
Well, at least this would clarify your decision, you might think. If being careful is important to you, of coarse you would move to the new day care. But it isn’t that simple. I spent a good part of my days after loosing Grace considering the role of the overprotective parent for Baby Girl, searching the Internet for possible dangers and buying every baby proofing device imaginable. It took all the strength I had left to say no to that. I’m not going to parent based on fear, I’m not going to give my child an underlying feeling of anxiety that danger is around every corner. I’m going to be reasonable safe and know that something could happen anyway.
It is just that my experience sometimes makes it harder for me to find that balance because it is so emotional for me.
I talked to Blue Eyes about it and he said he was thinking the same thing as my friend and it is understandable why this decision would be so hard. He said he felt more comfortable with the new day care and he thought Baby Girl would be happy there. I thought Baby Girl would cry her head off for a month before she got used to the new day care. He said he didn’t think so. She is a happy baby with a sweet nature and he felt that she would be fine.
So, that is our plan. Monday morning is only twelve hours away. I’ll let you know how it goes.
I understand the panic when thinking about the safety of your children. It is hard to differentiate between thoughts that are rational and intuitive and ideas that runaway in my head. Have you read Gavin DeBecker? He talks about listening to yourself and not discrediting your inner ‘evil’ voices in the Gift of Fear and then applies it to children in Protecting the Gift. Those books have helped me.