Graceful Parenting in Austin

I was in the back of the house. I heard him come through the front door. I had planned on killing him, but I got distracted, so I wasn’t ready…

I rushed into the hallway and pulled my gun from a drawer. Was there still time to get in position?

He was inside the living room, walking towards the back of the house.

Yes, there was time.

I got into position and pointed the gun. I had just a few extra seconds to think about what I was doing and I thought, you know, I’m not really THAT mad.

So I put the gun back in the drawer.

That was my dream last night.

I thought it was a pretty random dream, until I was at work today and a dear, sweet friend, the one who knows I have been addicted to Rice Krispie Treats during my pregnancy, the one who made me a batch using a the recipe from my favorite bakery, she came by my cube, excited and full of enthusiasm for an idea she just had and all I could think was, “You are COMPLETELY CRAZY, don’t you realize this IDEA OF YOURS makes more WORK FOR ME and I’m PREGNANT and I have TOO MUCH WORK ALREADY!” I was pretty short with her, I was so on edge, so full of tension, like I just might kill some body.

Maybe the dream wasn’t so random after all.

I am in a fight with my work. It is kind of like being in a fight with a person, just different. I have things I want to finish before I go on leave. I scaled back once already, which helped, but not enough. I feel like no one else can do the work that I do or know how to take it over when I am gone, as if I’m a world famous brain surgeon and I’m the only doctor in the world who can save my dying husband, like in a day time soap. I know that isn’t real. It’s just as much of a dream as me keeping a gun in a drawer in my hallway.

But like Noel said the other day, knowing something is true doesn’t always make it feel better.

I want to be happy at work. I want to work hard, but no so hard I am short with sweet people when they are excited about a new idea. I want to do what I can and let go of the rest. I have said this to myself a thousand, million, trillion times. I guess I’ll just keep saying it. Maybe I will learn to believe it and feel it, a little bit at a time.